Just a little longer...
In one month and six days I will have a toddler. It seems like yesterday you were one month and I was overwhelmed with the unprepared feeling of you no longer being a newborn, then going from infant to baby was tough but this, this toddler title is tugging at my heart like none before.
I used to think I wouldn't be the mom that says “where did my baby go?”, because obviously I know you're right here, you didn't disappear, I watched you grow, but seriously, where did my baby go? Once again making me contradict myself in the best possible way. Time though, is harsh. I wish there was a way to turn the hourglass on it's side to stretch seconds into minutes and hours into days. Moments escape me. Moments I say I will remember forever are soon jumbled into a pile of memories and, more often than I'd like, forgotten.
I've spent every single day with you, every single night, and I still do not feel like there are enough minutes in a day. I miss you, all the time.
Every new stage becomes my favorite, but they pass by so quickly that I nearly forget what the previous stage was. I think I miss you so much because I know I'll never get these moments back. Maybe I’m really missing all the stages I feel didn’t last long enough.
Even though I do everything I can to embrace the moments, there's nothing I can do to slow you down. Time slips away and I’m left to feel like I need to hold on tighter. I feel incredibly guilty that I wished some days away, some long sleepless nights were spent hoping you'd fall asleep rather than enjoy the extra time and countdowns to your dad being home sometimes overshadowed how precious living in the moment is.
It's been one week since you started sleeping in your crib, in your room, on your own. I wish I could say it was nice that you sleep better, without me, but it isn't “nice”. I am lying awake three hours after you fell asleep wishing you would wake up to snuggle me. Thankfully you still need me to rock you to sleep and that's something I'm not giving up until you go away to university (or, until you tell me to stop).
For now, you sleep in the room next to me and my heart feels further away from my body than ever. Someday you will be at your first sleepover and I'll be more homesick than you. What's even scarier, and something I cannot think about is the day you go to sleep in a new city, in your own apartment, without the carefully picked out onesie, several story books, my sunshine lullabies, and goodnight kisses. So, tonight, I'm going to break all the invisible rules, and bring you into my bed and snuggle you just a little longer…